Whenever I think about this Kiswahili methali(proverb), I cannot help but remember a choral verse presentation of the same. The school kids who were presenting the verse kept on repeating this line like a chorus and taking time to explain what they meant in the verses. The exact words of the poem escape me but what I remember is how they would emphasize the word “funzwa” at each occurrence. The meaning of the line was a warning to the child that I was then that I had to accept correction from my mother otherwise I would be corrected (read punished) by the world. In other words, I understood the proverb to imply that my mother would correct me, punish me from time to time. I was to accept the correction and learn from it so that the harsh world does not mete out punishment on me. After all the world, as the proverb meant to imply, was an uncaring, harsh and severe discipline master. I never thought how that proverb may influence my parenting experience until very recently.
The way I saw this proverb was its intention to make the child more open to receiving correction and guidance from the parent or caregiver. I never looked at what it might cause the child who grew up listening to it, to unconsciously expect from themselves as a parent. Think about it, if you grew up knowing and following the advice guidance from your parents, when it comes to your turn to parent you are likely to have this unstated expectation of being required to teach, correct and guide your child through everything to ensure that the world, the harsh, uncaring, cold and severe world, does not get the opportunity to teach a lesson to your child. This is true especially if you have had to face some challenges in your life as you grew up and found yourself thinking “My parents did not teach me this!”
Think about it for a minute. And while you think about I, allow me to share a story. The other day my son went to sit for his driving exams. He woke up early and was on time at the testing center. He had been having a great time learning how to drive and felt confident having practiced a couple of times on his dad’s car and so was in a pretty good mood when he left for his test. Later in the evening I came to find out that he did not get to do his test. When I prompted him to tell me more he explained that the examiner had already marked his exam before he attempted it. He spoke of getting into the car to drive and the examiner started to insult him. There was an exchange of words that resulted in my son not taking the test and coming back home.
For all the readers who did not take a driving test in this country, you may read that and get surprised. It is, unfortunately, a common occurrence. I remembered the day, decades ago, when I took my own driving test. At that time, there was a young man who failed his exam for no reason that the rest of us, present on that day, were privy too. Later, when I spoke to other friends of mine who took the test, I found out that this – being graded before you took the test – was quite common. Nobody speaks about it though. Looking back, I think it was because most of us were relieved that we were not the ones bullied into failing that we chose to keep quiet.
Back to my son. I am not sure of the preparation that I could have done to my son to help him get through this particular day. I also realized as my son recounted his story that, there are a couple of conversations I could have with him about this but in the end I had no control of the result. He would still get hurt by the world even when he has been keen to learn from me, listen to me and accept correction from me, he will still find himself in situations that anger and hurt him deeply. Despite how much “kufunza” I do, I realize I admit that there is some “kufunza” that will still be done by the world.
This is a sobering thought. Probably as sobering as this thought that Jesus shared with his disciples one day when they offered him something to eat and he mentioned that he already had something to eat. The disciples were surprised. After all, he had sent them to get some food. They had wondered at who had given him food and Jesus quietly explained to them that what nourishes him is doing what God sent him on earth to do. He had also explained to them something about their role as well. Here is what he said.
Then Jesus explained: “My nourishment comes from doing the will of God, who sent me, and from finishing his work. You know the saying, ‘Four months between planting and harvest.’ But I say, wake up and look around. The fields are already ripe for harvest. The harvesters are paid good wages, and the fruit they harvest is people brought to eternal life. What joy awaits both the planter and the harvester alike! You know the saying, ‘One plants and another harvests.’ And it’s true. I sent you to harvest where you didn’t plant; others had already done the work, and now you will get to gather the harvest.” John 4:34-38 NLT
Here, Jesus reminded them of the wise sayings that existed in the culture. He reminded them that even while they recognized the wisdom passed down to them they needed to be observant of what was going around them and respond accordingly. At that time, he pointed out that the harvest was read and their work would be to harvest. Others had already gone ahead done all the ploughing, the planting, the watering and the weeding. Now all was left to do was to harvest. When the harvest came in both the one who planted and the harvester will rejoice.
What this tells me is that in this role of nurturing, mentoring, equipping and correcting my sons, I will find that there are times when I am required to plough into his life, sow, weed and other times when I will harvest. Case in point, the Sunday morning when he drove me to the supermarket, crossing Mombasa road twice to get us there. I never taught him that. Others did. What I am doing is enjoying the harvest of a young adult who knows how to drive. I am not the only one who will sow into my son. However, what I need to be is observant of where we are in this relationship and what response it requires from me. Sometimes, it may be a response to sow something new, other times to weed or harvest or possible even do nothing.
I, however, can only have this assurance when I do not look at the wise saying from a space of fear. A space of this must be nipped in the bud! But from a space of assurance. That yes, there are some lessons that I will teach my son and there are others that the world will emphasize, test him on and even teach him. And that is how it is meant to be. Accepting this will make me more intentional and purposeful in what lessons I choose to impart to him. With this assurance, I may choose which ones I will focus on teaching and which ones I will release him to learn from the world.
There is one other confirmation that makes it possible for me to think like this. And this is this assurance from the book of psalms that
The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it. The world and all its people belong to him.
Psalms 24:1 (NLT)
My son does not belong to me. He belongs to God. God who is love. This helps me hold on to my son loosely. For the fierce love, big dreams and overwhelming protection that I have to offer my son is but only a shadow of the love, plans and protection that God can.