This morning I realized that I have forgotten the name of this blog. Sounds weird, right? After all a year and some months back, I was the one who set it up. I remember spending hours agonizing about what to call it and then landed on the name carolgrows. “How could I forget it?” you might ask. My answer is, I forgot what the name means.
When I chose the name, I thought it would give someone the impression that I am not perfect. That I am going through stuff in life. However, through all these things that I am going through, I have this determination to keep on growing and growing. Thus the name, carolgrows. What I did not realize it then, that I realize now, is that while a name like carol grows allows me to share with you things that I have discovered through experiences, study and observation, the same name also requires that I share with you my growing as it happens.
I realized that I like, and I am comfortable with, sharing stories that show I have been through this, that or the other and hey look! Here I am now smelling like roses and looking fine in bell bottom jeans. 😉 Today I realized that as I continue to share articles like these, the vibe of this blog will become carolgrown. I needed to be like a dictionary and start sharing with you the second meaning of carol grows. My life, thoughts and experiences as they happen. Starting with this one.
Yesterday, I took the picture above. It is of my tv unit. I found myself wondering why a week had passed and I had not done any dusting. Seven days of watching tv had gone by and I imagined watching the cloud of dust float and settle upon it as the tv flickered behind the cloud. Five long days of having the tv unit in my line of sight as I worked. I know it takes less than a minute to damp down a piece of cloth and wipe a surface two times over and yet I did not do it. I knew however if a I visitor was to come in at that moment, I would quickly wipe it down. If my kids had been around, I would not have left it that dusty for that long. If my phone rung at that moment and I saw my mum’s name on the caller ID, I would probably wipe it down before answering the call. Since none of that would be happening for the next couple of hours, I wrote the words “Please wash me!” and took a picture wondering why that was. Why would I only be moved to action if there were other people around me who would see the results of my inaction?
You see I have this desire that people around me see me in a certain way. My family, friends and even my kids. I have always thought that I am very authentic but this picture of the tv unit, reminds me that there are still parts of my life that I might not be showing up as real as I imagine myself to be. There are still aspects of my life that I want my family to think that I am over, experiences that I want my friends to think I have already moved forward from and situations that I want my kids to think I am above that. While the reality is different. Those things that I imagine that my family expects me to be over, still haunt me, the experiences still threaten to pull me back and some things I am yet to have mastered , like consistently dusting the surfaces in the house.
My kids know that I am a stickler for having a clean house. They know that I usually wash common areas on Wednesday nights and we all wash the house together on Saturday mornings. It is however interesting that during this period when my kids have not been at home, I have not been as meticulous. I no longer wash the house on Wednesday evenings and this past week I had not dusted. I realize that I have I presented myself to my kids as this person to whom a clean house is important. That this is who I am, or who I want them to think I am so that they can do what I want them to do. Because if meticulous and clean is the person that I am, then having a well dusted and clean house should be the norm whether the kids are here or not, whether friends are coming over or not or family is calling.
Realizing that this is what I had done albeit unconsciously, I sent the picture of the dusty tv unit to my older son with a text that read “I should probably spend more time cleaning instead of taking pictures of dust…… or writing in dust….. 😏”. He wrote back “😂😂😂😂😂 Yeah”. From his response, I felt a connection with him and a relief, a feeling that all would be well. He does not hate me and has not lost all respect for me. Maybe this result of what parenting coaches allude to when they advise parents to be real with their kids. That sharing both wins and struggles is what kids need from parents for meaningful connections to occur and relationships to grow.
I do not know much about that; however this thought brings me back to this blog. To the fact that the name of the blog has more than one meaning. That to be real with you, dear reader, I need to share with you stories that show both meanings of the name. Carol grows from things that she has gone through and that still Carol grows while going through things. So what am I going through now, you might wonder? Well the desire to show up like I have mastered the spaces that I share with you. You see the discovery that I represent myself in a certain way to my kids, who I thought I am the most real with, made me wonder, what about my closest friends who I believe myself to be most real? Could there be spaces where I am fronting with them too? And if there are then it is very possible that there are spaces where I am fronting with God.
You, dear reader, may not be like me. You may not live in a house that has a thick layer of dust and that needs to be wiped down frantically when there is threat of promise of a visit from friends or family. No you might not be like me who models themselves as meticulously clean when with her kids and not so clean when they are not there. You may never find yourself pretending that you have not heard the phone ring when you see a certain name on the caller ID. You may never find yourself at your mum’s place and suddenly you notice that the kids are wearing mismatched socks and their legs are as dry as some desert. This may not be you and that is okay. However, if through reading through this you realize that we have something in common, need to be seen as perfect even in situations that most would find silly, I invite you to keep on reading. Shall we grow through this or shall we shrug our shoulders and say “It is what it is”? All the while we feel embarrassed that you saw evidence of our imperfection.
Aiming for perfection in what I share with you to read is crippling. I have found that it cripples the quality of my work, how much I write and my creativity. Fronting with the people in my life is tiring. I put in work to maintain how my friends see me, what my kids see about me and I have no energy left to see that little connection is happening. The relationship is stunted in that one area or those areas.
For me a review of relationships is not over without reviewing my relationship with God. As I mentioned before, it is likely that three are spaces where I am fronting with God. My prayer right now is that He shows me areas where I am fronting with Him.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24 NIV