At times I feel confident and sure of myself, sure that I am handling a difficult situation very well. I know that to resolve this situation will take a long time to do but I am strong in my commitment to continue at it with excellence because I believe that I am the right person and it is my privilege to be a part of this.
Then one morning, a morning like today, I wake up thinking this is hard. It has been three years already and the evidence is mounting that the situation is getting worse not better. Then the doubts rush in. The dread. The sense of defeat. The anger. The resentment. Am I really making a difference? Is anything changing?
It is easy to get caught up in thoughts that align to what I feel. That I am failing.
It is easy to start thinking of ways in which I can get out of this situation and that will stop the yo-yoing. Because when things are going well on this task, everybody knows. When things are not going well, I imagine that if I tell anyone, what i will see in their eyes when they look at me is “Poor Carol. See how frustrated she is. Can’t she just snap out of it and admit this is not for her?” What is worse is in this moment, my mind will agree with them. Why can’t I snap out of it? Surely, if this is for me to do, why am I yo-yoing between I can do this and I just can’t? Can’t I just gather the nerve to let go and stop stressing myself?
Do you find yourself in a similar space? A place where you have decided that this is the year that you will stop bingeing on tv shows, this is the year you will read 52 books, this is the year you will stop smoking, this is the year you will kick that habit. And then a few days later find that you are drawn back to that very habit that you want to quit. The feeling drawing you back is so strong … maybe, you think, maybe if you feel this drawn to that habit, this is just who you are. Why bother? Why not just give in?
I would like to remind you of something. You and I are not defined by our feelings. You and I are so much more than our feelings.
So today, as you wake up to your version of Babylon and feel like you have been here toiling, sowing, studying, being faithful, committed and NOTHING seems to be changing, I pray that God will open your eyes to see how He sees you. That He sees you to be so much more than what you feel, so much more than what you can and cannot do. That even in the valley of the shadow of death, He is with you, He is for you and He loves you. Very much. And that your question will always be, why does God love me so much? Even when I am failing? Even when I am losing it? Even when I keep reaching for that thing that I crave for over and over again, why does God love me so much?
‘For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ‘ (Ephesians 3:14-19 NIV)