This story did not happen. This story is not true. My sister told me this story. It is a short one of a mother who leaves her children alone at home for the day. None of the kids are over ten years old. I never knew how many they were but what I know was there was a baby among them. The mom gave them instructions, as mothers do, of what they were to do while she was away. Her instructions were not really instructions and if you understood sarcasm you would see through what she was telling the kids. Stuff like “Wash the plates and break them while you are at it.” The final one, that I had always imagined she threw over her shoulder in our mother tongue as she walked out through the front door, was “And don’t forget to burn the baby while you are at it.” My sister in her telling of the story would pause for a minute then continue. She would reveal that later that evening when the tired mother came home, her kids would run up to her yelling – in mother tongue – “We have burned the baby! We have burned the baby!”
What have you done?!?
If you have kids, you probably have heard yourself saying those words. What have you done? I probably thought it the day MMM tried to make pancakes by himself. If you have not said it to your kids, dog or cat, you most likely heard it said to you by someone. I cannot think of an occasion when I heard that said but all I know is there is an element of dread that is settling in the pit of my stomach every time I write that sentence. Carol, what have you done? In mother tongue it sounds worse. I may have no memory of a specific situation, but I do have memories of feelings that I would feel when those words would be spoken. Disbelief. Disappointment. Anger. An anger that would end up in the person punishing me and turning away from me. For a while the person would treat me different, and I would end up trying to ensure that I did not get on their bad side because I would hate to let someone down, disappoint them and thus hated by them.
What have you done?
If you have been a frequent reader of this blog, you may already know that I tend to share my parenting journey, my mistakes, struggles and growth. Recently, I have been thinking about this. In an earlier story, I shared how reading my son’s reaction to something woke me up to my then favoured disciplining style. What I did not realize then was how much more I tend to look at my children’s faces to read their reactions. This habit, I recently realized is not limited to them. I find myself trying to read other kids body language when I speak with them.
Recently, I had a couple of opportunities to spend some time with other children who do not know me as well as my kids do. What I realized was that my kids know me in a different light. I remember asking one of the kids something and the child jumped like he had been caught out doing something wrong and would be punished soon enough. The look took me right back to that moment when GM had had the same facial expression. A look that pulled at my heart. A look that reminded me of what I realized years ago that the first thought I wanted my kids and anybody’s kids to have when they were with me was kindness, gentleness and love. Not fear. Definitely not fear.
What have you done?
This morning, a certain bible story read different to me; the story of Cain and Abel. In this story, brothers Cain and Abel are introduced to us as gardener and shepherd, respectively. It is a story of what they did when one got a harvest and the other’s livestock multiplied. Both brought some to God to give thanks. Abel’s gift was accepted and Cain’s rejected. Out of jealousy, Cain kills his brother and later during a conversation that God has with him God asks him
‘The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. ‘
Genesis 4:10 NIV
What have you done? God asks Cain and what I hear is a cry of anguish from God. A heart breaking. God’s heart breaking because with one action, He has lost two sons. One to physical death and the other to a relational death.
You see, the more I spend time with God the more I am coming to realize how much and profoundly He cares for me, you and us. Each and every pore, fibre and element of God is patient, kind and loving towards us. This statement, what have you done? when read with the heart of one whose loving heart is shattering as realization dawns, is to me a cry of agony, torment and distress. A cry filled with the knowledge that, when the other party acknowledges what they have done, their relationship will never be the same.
Think about it. If you have lived long enough to have been betrayed by someone who you loved deeply, you realize that the depth of hurt that you felt also revealed how deeply you cared for that person and your relationship. You ached because you knew that things between the two of you and your families would never be the same. Your question to them, what have you done? did not beg for a play by play of what they did, it asked do you understand what you have done? What this will mean for us? Do you get it?
What have you done?
Sometimes, it is us who betray or let down someone. We might not stay in their presence long enough to hear them say What have you done? We say it to ourselves. Calling ourselves all sorts of names. Stupid. Idiot. Dumb. During this time, we find it hard to pray. To have conversations with God. We imagine that He too thinks of us the same way that we think of ourselves. After all, we did something wrong. If we are this disappointed in ourselves, He must be a hundred times more disappointed in us. Isn’t He?
Could God be disappointed, hurt and angry at what we have done that He would rather not relate to us? I do not think so. This is what I see. When I do something that fractures the relationship that I have with God, something that breaks His heart, He does not stop loving me. He continues to love me and want to relate with me. He wants to repair and restore the fractured relationship that I have with Him.
‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ‘
John 3:16 NIV
Yes, your what have you done may fill you with guilt, shame and embarrassment. You may want to be as far away from people and God as you can. I pray that you will embrace the discomfort of prayer knowing that He likely hates what you did, but He will never ever ever hate you. Ever.